the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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