i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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