just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The best revenge is premature balding
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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