Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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