looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
