can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
