oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
