Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
