i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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