wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
