It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
