Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Randomize
