i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
