forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
