i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
