Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
