I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
