You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
