she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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