was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
