I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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