my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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