just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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