I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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