I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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