I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
