I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
