hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
