Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
