Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dear god my vagina.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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