I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
