fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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