I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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