i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
