A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
