god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
