there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
