I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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