Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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