A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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