If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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