Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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