its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
