you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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