just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
