if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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