Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
