Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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