Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
