Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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