suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
