the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
