Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
