life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
you never un-have a 4some
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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