the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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