She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
