I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
