That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
