I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
