I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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